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Most of us grew up with a binary understanding of consent. Someone either wants to have sex or they don't. Yes or no. Once you get that initial yes, you proceed until someone explicitly says stop.
The problem is that this treats consent like a contract you sign at the door rather than what it actually is: a continuous exchange between people whose feelings, comfort levels and desires are constantly shifting.
I was conditioned to believe that asking questions during intimacy would ruin the moment or make me seem uncertain. Real men were supposed to just know what their partners wanted through some mystical masculine intuition.
Looking back, this is genuinely terrible advice that has probably caused more damage to intimate relationships than almost anything else we teach men. It sets us up to ignore communication in favour of assumptions and to treat our partners' comfort as less important than maintaining some fabricated image of unshakeable confidence.
Asking doesn't ruin the mood
Asking for consent, checking in during intimacy and maintaining ongoing communication does not ruin the mood. It actually creates the mood.
The idea that verbal communication kills sexual energy is a myth perpetuated by films. Honestly, some of the hottest, most connected moments I've experienced have involved direct, explicit communication about desires and boundaries.
There's something profoundly intimate and genuinely sexy about asking "does this feel good?" or "what would feel even better right now?" These questions demonstrate that you're paying attention to the real human being you're with.
When Evie and I are intimate together, we communicate constantly. Not in a clinical way, but as a natural, flowing part of our connection. She tells me what she needs, I ask her what she wants and we adjust based on what we're both feeling. This ongoing dialogue is part of what makes our intimate connection so deeply satisfying for both of us.
What it actually looks like
Ongoing consent is about maintaining awareness of your partner's experience throughout an encounter and creating space for that to be communicated.
Sometimes it's verbal: "Is this still feeling good for you?" Sometimes it's reading body language and energy shifts, noticing when someone tenses up or seems to mentally check out.
When I notice someone's breathing change or their body tense, I pause and check in. "Are you okay?" These simple questions create space for honest responses.
When I'm about to try something new or escalate intensity, I ask first. "Can I touch you here?" This isn't awkward when it comes from genuine care. It's actually really sexy.
The key is treating check-ins as natural parts of intimacy rather than interruptions. When you genuinely care about your partner's experience, asking becomes second nature.
Why this makes you better
When you're constantly checking in and paying attention to responses, you learn what actually works rather than operating from assumptions. You become attuned to subtle shifts in energy and arousal, which allows you to adapt in real time.
The best intimate experiences I've had have involved constant communication. Her telling me what she wants, me asking how different touches feel, both of us adjusting based on what we're learning. This creates connection and pleasure that simply isn't possible when you're making assumptions.
In our professional work, clients consistently tell us that communication throughout encounters makes them feel safer and more comfortable, which allows them to relax more fully and experience deeper pleasure. When someone knows they can speak up at any point, they can actually be present.
What men need to unlearn
The truth is that emotional intelligence, communication skills and genuine care for your partner's experience are far more attractive than any performance of unshakeable masculine confidence. Every woman I've spoken to has said the same thing: partners who check in and remain attuned to responses are infinitely more appealing than partners who assume they know everything.
Your ego might feel slightly bruised the first few times you ask "is this okay?" But the discomfort of challenging your conditioning is temporary. The benefits of becoming someone who can actually connect authentically last forever.
Finally
Communication enhances intimacy and checking in demonstrates care rather than uncertainty. Creating space for these conversations shows emotional maturity.
The people you're intimate with deserve to feel completely safe, respected and heard throughout every encounter. You deserve to know that your partners are genuinely enjoying themselves rather than just hoping they are. Ongoing consent makes both possible.
So start checking in, start asking questions and treat consent as the continuous, essential, evolving conversation it actually is and your intimate and personal life will most certaintly improve.
Axel Meridius · Independent Male Escort
