Date posted:
Real listening, the kind that actually creates intimacy and connection, requires something more than just hearing words and formulating replies. It requires being genuinely present with another person's experience without immediately trying to fix it, relate it back to yourself or jump to conclusions about what they mean.
Active listening
Active listening means giving someone your full attention whilst they're speaking and showing through your responses that you're truly taking in what they're sharing. It's not about solving problems or offering advice unless explicitly asked, it is about creating space for someone to feel heard and understood.
This matters enormously in intimate relationships and connections. When your partner feels genuinely heard, they're more likely to share vulnerable thoughts and feelings. When they feel like you're just waiting for your turn or half listening whilst scrolling on your phone, they'll start keeping things to themselves
Practical techniques
The simplest technique is eliminating distractions. Put your phone away, turn off the television, make actual eye contact. We think we can multitask our way through conversations, but genuine attention requires choosing to be fully present.
Reflection is another powerful tool. After someone shares something, paraphrase what you heard back to them. Not word for word like a parrot, but understanding the essence of what they expressed. "So what I'm hearing is that you felt hurt when I made plans without checking with you first." This gives them a chance to clarify if you've misunderstood and shows you're actually processing what they're saying rather than just nodding along.
Ask open questions that invite deeper sharing rather than yes or no answers. Instead of "Did that bother you?" try "How did that make you feel?" and actively listen to their reply.
The masculine conditioning barrier
Many of us men were taught that listening means finding solutions. Someone shares a problem and we immediately jump into fix-it mode because that's what we think being helpful looks like. But often, people just want to be heard and validated, not given a five point action plan.
Learning to sit with someone's distress without immediately trying to solve it feels uncomfortable at first. It can feel passive or useless, like you're not actually helping. But presence is help and sometimes the most valuable thing you can offer is simply "That sounds really difficult" followed by attentive silence and physical nuturing if appropriate.
What I've learnt here
Through both my personal relationship with Evie and our professional work, I've discovered that people rarely need me to have all the answers. What they need is to feel like their experience matters, like what they're sharing is being received with genuine care and attention.
Active listening isn't about being perfect as you will zone out sometimes, jump to conclusions or start mentally preparing your response. What is important is noticing when you've drifted and bringing yourself back to genuine presence.
The deepest intimacy I've experienced has come from moments when I've created space for someone to be fully themselves, knowing they'll be met with attention rather than judgment or problem solving.
Axel x
