Date posted:
We live in a society that treats sexuality like it has an expiry date, as if desire automatically switches off somewhere between your fortieth birthday and when you start complaining about how loud restaurants have become. The message seems to be that sexual vitality belongs exclusively to the young, and everyone else should gracefully retreat into sexless maturity.
This narrative is not only wrong, it's actively harmful. It creates shame around ongoing sexual needs in later life and robs people of decades of potential pleasure and connection. Having worked with clients across a wide age range, I can tell you that sexual desire doesn't simply disappear with age. It evolves, adapts and often becomes more sophisticated than it ever was in youth.
The myths we've internalised
One pervasive myth is that declining desire is inevitable and universal. While hormonal shifts certainly affect sexual response, the assumption that this equals sexual decline is both simplistic and defeatist.
Another damaging myth is that older bodies are inherently less desirable or capable of pleasure. Our culture's obsession with youth creates the impression that only firm, unblemished bodies are worthy of sexual attention. The capacity for pleasure and connection doesn't have an expiration date.
There's also the peculiar notion that older people who express sexual needs are somehow inappropriate. This ageist assumption denies the reality that humans remain sexual beings throughout their lives.
What actually changes
Rather than desire disappearing, sexuality becomes more complex and nuanced with age. Physical changes occur: hormonal fluctuations, changes in arousal patterns, different energy levels and sometimes medical conditions that affect sexual response. But these changes don't automatically equal sexual decline.
Many people find that while spontaneous desire might decrease, responsive desire becomes more prominent. Arousal might not strike out of nowhere the way it did at twenty, but it can still be cultivated through intimacy, touch and emotional connection.
Physical changes can also lead to discovering new forms of pleasure. When intercourse becomes less central or feasible, people often explore other forms of intimacy they might have overlooked. This can lead to a richer sexual repertoire that prioritises pleasure and connection over performance.
The wisdom of experience
There's something beautiful about watching people embrace their sexuality later in life with the wisdom that comes from decades of experience. Many have worked through the sexual shame and insecurities that dominated their younger years. They've learned to communicate more effectively and to prioritise their own pleasure.
I've worked with clients in their sixties and seventies who are having the best sex of their lives because they've finally given themselves permission to explore what they actually want. They've moved beyond performance pressure and into a space where pleasure, connection and authenticity take precedence.
This shift often happens alongside major life transitions: children leaving home, retirement, divorce or the death of partners. While challenging, these changes also create opportunities for sexual rediscovery.
Medical challenges
Ageing can bring medical challenges that affect sexuality: medications that impact libido, conditions that cause pain or fatigue and treatments that alter sexual response. However, the medical establishment often treats these as inevitable inconveniences rather than legitimate concerns.
Many healthcare providers seem uncomfortable discussing sexuality with older patients, which leaves people struggling without adequate support. This reinforces cultural messages that sexuality isn't important later in life.
The reality is that many age-related sexual challenges can be addressed through medical intervention, lifestyle changes or adaptive approaches to intimacy. Solutions exist for erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, pain conditions and medication side effects.
Communication is essential
Many challenges that come with ageing and sexuality can be addressed through improved communication. As bodies and desires change, the ability to articulate needs, express concerns and negotiate new approaches becomes essential.
This might involve conversations about changing preferences, discussing medical concerns, exploring new forms of pleasure or simply acknowledging that sexuality looks different than it used to. These conversations can feel vulnerable, but they're often the key to maintaining satisfying intimate connections.
A personal reflection
Some of my most memorable clients have been in their fifties, sixties, seventies and eighties. Their desire for intimacy and sexual pleasure has been just as vibrant as clients in their twenties and thirties. Working with them has been genuinely enriching, and I am continually struck by the depth of self-knowledge and emotional openness they bring.
They remind me that sexuality doesn't diminish with age, it simply becomes more refined, more intentional and often more honest. I feel privileged to witness people embracing their desires at every stage of life.
