Date posted:
Before reading this blog take into account that the information contained within this literature is of a general & nuisance nature, and has been compiled through my own experiences sexually, psychologically, spiritually, and studies of human nature. Currently I am not a dominant, and I am not a submissive, I am not even a switch. I am currently just a bachelor who understands the fundamental basics of this dynamic and believe that the knowledge I have can educate people on the benefits of this lifestyle and relationship. As a heterosexual man I will at times use references of a heterosexual relationship, however the dominant & submissive relationship can be applied to all sexualities as it is a representation of leader & follower. Masculine & feminine.
This is an educational blog that has been tailored predominately for singles & people in monogamous relationships or aspiring to be in monogamous relationships. That being said if you have the emotional intelligence and believe you could transcribe this knowledge into a polyamorous relationship the principles outlined in this blog may still apply to your relationship desires. I will be discussing the difference between being a leader, a dominate man, and being a legitimate dominant with a submissive; how the dominant & submissive relationship dynamic brings order, direction, more freedom, and promotes development within each other; and how the dynamic can still be applied to a family household.
I do believe that a HEALTHY dominant, submissive dynamic can bring about the change people want within their relationships and lives. More fulfillment, more order, more direction, better communication, better sex, better connection, a better understanding of eachother, a lower rate of divorce, and a better education and knowledge of what sex really is.
The dominant and submissive dynamic basis itself around the traditional relationship system that one person leads and one person follows. Though unlike traditional relationship roles where the man is the leader and bread winner, and the female follows suit; within a dominant & submissive dynamic both males & females can play the role as the dominant and the submissive. Female dominants are referred to as 'domme's'; males referred to as doms; submissives are just subs.
With the popular narrative of equality that is pushed in today's society, you may be wondering how and why anyone would want to submit to another person in a relationship sense. Why would anyone want to have another person direct them through different areas of life. Why would anyone want another person to order them around and tell them what to do. We have bosses, governments, and powerful people already telling us how to live our lives; why would someone want an individual that is close to them to do this as well. This all sounds like narcissistic behaviour to manipulate and control other people into our own perverted pleasures. So why was 50 Shades of Grey so popular? Did you pleasure yourself to the thought of Mr. Grey being that crazy about you? I know there is a hot debate about this book, but we are not going into that right now. Because when you have a HEALTHY, consensual, openly communicated, boundaries set dominant submissive relationship; you open yourself up to the best sex you & your partner(s) have ever had, you understand your responsibility within the relationship, and will grow into more mature, sexually conscious adults.
Just like previously mentioned in the blog 'Questionable Kinks: The Sadist & The Masochist'. A healthy, consensual dominant submissive relationship requires boundaries and limits within the relationship. A good dominant is a leader, a good submissive is a respectful follower – respectful of themselves and their leader. As a submissive if you do not respect yourself, you open doors to being used, abused and having no boundaries to enforce; leading to hurt mentally, spiritually, physically, and sexually. Should you as a submissive not respect yourself then you will most likely attract a dominant who will not respect you and your boundaries. Throughout this blog you will see that on some levels the submissive holds the power. A submissive can say no, and a submissive has boundaries, if you as the dominant want your submissive to trust you to do the dirty, perverted things you like within the bedroom then you must listen to those boundaries. As a dominant you have a responsibility for your submissive, RESPONSIBILITY! Depending on your relationship and how much power you have agreed to exchange is how responsible you are. This could range from setting chores; sexual services; setting study schedules, side hustle schedules, enforcing your submissive to attend their hobbies, paying for said hobbies. Compared to most western world relationships, when you assume the role as a dominant you have more pressure to follow through on your words because this is what demonstrates your level of competency and leadership, and establishes the trust you and your sub need to explore the realms of sex. If you said you're going to do something you will be expected to do it. If you said you were going to fuck, have sex, or make slow passionate love in a certain way or at a certain time then make it happen. If you said that you are going to take your submissive out for breakfast do not spend the previous night out partying if you know you will be mentally & physically unavailable. If a relationship, and or marriage is about responsibility and commitment to each other then why are there so many unhappy, unfulfilled, sexless, bored, lifeless couples. And why are the divorce rates so high. Because no one has a clue what their responsibilities are, and no one is having the dirty kink sex that they fantasise about. When you enter a dominant submissive relationship responsibilities must be talked about, boundaries must be talked about, safe words must be established. If there are no boundaries, if there are no on-going conversations, if there are no discussions of responsibilities then there a few red flags being raised. So far would you agree that the core basics of a dominant submissive relationship should be apart of a standard equal relationship? Open, honest communication; consent; boundaries.
Before we talk about a what separates a dominant & submissive relationship, Let's look at a few different types of submissives and dominants.
Dominants
Hard Dom – Hard doms are going to be quite domineering and strict with enforcing order within the relationship. They may be more strict, more 'mean', be more firm, inflict more harsh punishments compared to your entry level dom, or daddy/ mommy dom. Do not let the word 'hard' frighten you, some submissives need and desire someone being firm with them. These types of doms can be great people to follow if they have respect for others and themselves, and the submissive embraces the dynamic correctly and respectfully.
Daddy/ mommy Dom – Usually a softer kind of Dom, they are a little more nurturing, they will play at the little prince or princess inside of us – maybe wash the hair of their sub while bathing, taking the sub out for ice cream as a reward, buying gifts that remind the sub of their younger self - like a plush toy or collectables. I intend to discuss this style of Doming & relationship dynamic in greater depth in the 'Questionable Kinks: DDLG & MDLG' blog. From my own experiences and beliefs this style of doming & submitting works on a deep-rooted psychological level. However there are a few issues surrounding this kink that need to also be brought to attention. We are adults and need to grow up!
Financial Dom or Fin Dom – Quite self-explanatory, the power exchange of ones financials. THIS IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT FOR EVERYBODY! I do not believe being a financial Dom is just about being a sugar mummy or sugar daddy, if the sugar top is just giving their bottom money to do whatever they want, the top is not exactly taking responsibility for the welfare of their bottom. Thus not doming. To me if you want to financially dom/ domme someone you must be overlooking your subs financials, enforcing good spending/ savings habits, teaching money techniques, rewards & punishments around the use of money.
A Master or Mistress – Fuck me! if you are not either retired, or financially, mentally, and/ or time abundant do not call yourself a full-time Master/ Mistress. If you are not prepared to think 2, 3, 4, 5 steps ahead for your submissive slave then do not claim to be, and do not attempt being a master. Full-time Masters are people who literally control every aspect of their submissives life. Full-time Masters choose what their submissives eat, when they eat, when sex happens, what type of sex happens, how they dress in & out of the bedroom and much, much more. If you read that and think "fuck me, why would anyone do that." There are boundaries and open communication that must be established before engaging in this relationship dynamic. E.g. You as the slave may still have an occupation that you are not willing to jeopardise and that you enjoy, so obviously you would have to let your master/ mistress know they can not jeopardise such thing. Maybe you do not want to relinquish control over your financials and do not exchange the power of such. Remember in the world of consensual kink this is fun and all people involved must be on the same page otherwise there are complications and the possibility of trauma. Usually, master slave relationships are only temporary because of life commitments. You must be really switched on and focused to be a master. In the right environment and with the right person, submitting to a Master would be extremely fun, just as being the master would be equally as fun. But both would be equally tiring. Do you think you could coordinate your own life while controlling every detail of someone else's? If you are new to the world of kink and being a dominant & submissive do not enter a master slave dynamic, it requires psychological intelligence, emotional intelligence, a strong understanding of human nature and sex. People can and will get hurt very badly if this dynamic is executed poorly, even more so than a 'standard' dom sub relationship.
Should the master/ slave dynamic appeal to you, experiment with your partner for a day. Discuss your boundaries and have some fun.
The Submissives
The Brat – They will test you, they will push your limits, they want to be tamed and they want to see how good of a dominant and leader you are. Will you put up with their misbehaving, how much trouble will they get away with before you punish them. These types of submissives are not for every dominant, some dominants like the challenge of taming a brat, making them a loyal servant; others find them annoying. From my readings, apparently brats can either become some of the most loyal submissives, or they leave once they become bored and tamed. If you are in a long-term relationship/ or marriage and you have a brat, they may never even think of leaving you, but you will have to endure their cheeky games. These games do not always mean flirting with someone else to get your attention, it might be as simple as knowing what your favourite underwear is and wearing it around the house while enforcing the safe word of red all day. The brat is testing your patience and you as leader must demonstrate that you are the leader who is in control, they said red, red means stop everything do not pass go, do not collect $200. If your submissive is wearing your favourite lingerie set, has done her hair just how you like it, is wearing your favourite scent of hers but says do not touch, how are you going to handle that. What will you do? All you want to do is take her right there, bend her over the kitchen table and drill your meat into her succulent life-giving hole, and she is putting a boundary up. How are you going to make her remove that boundary and beg for you to put your meat stick inside of her. Maybe you reverse the power of seduction and have her begging, "Please. Please. Please" but now you do not feel like her anymore, so you tease, seduce, and deny her for a couple hours. Imagine the kind of sex you would have if you both playfully danced with your boundaries respectfully for eight hours. On the first minute of that eighth hour you can almost guarantee that the submissive will be biting the pillow. The scenario above is just a basic example of how a bratting act can turn into something passionate & sexy. Other forms of bratting may be ignoring the chores for as long as possible to see what you will do or doing the chores but doing them half arsed and wrong deliberately; nagging; annoying you just to get your attention; disobeying your instructions. Some people find brats a lot of fun, others find them a pain in the arse. But I think to have fun in this life we all need to develop a little bit of playful cheek every now and then.
The Perfect Submissive – Oh what a submissive to have! Smart, capable, and ready to serve their dominant at any moment. They will follow the directions of their dominant without hesitation, they will do everything they can to please and provide for their dominant, and they are accountable for their own responsibilities. Every submissive has the capability to be a perfect submissive, but before anyone becomes the perfect submissive they must know that the dominate leading the way has their best interest at heart; would never betray them; would do anything to ensure the safety, wellbeing, and happiness of the submissive. They sit when instructed, they move when told, they are proud submissives, and they do whatever is necessary to keep their dominant happy because they know it will be returned tenfold. With the right dominant, this pair would be a house on fire with a bucket of gasoline being carried by helicopters to 'extinguish' the flame.
The Sadist Submissive – The dynamic behind a sadist submissive is a little complex for most nuisance kinksters to wrap their heads around, because they would inherently require a masochist dominant, and when you read sadist sub; masochist dom, you may find yourself in a little bit of confusion. I did at first. Without too much deep knowledge on this exact dynamic – sadist sub & masochist dom; I believe that the rolls would ultimately reverse during 'play'. If you are experienced within this area, please educate me and all others reading by leaving a comment below.
The slave submissive – The name says it all; these submissives enjoy having everything dictated for them, relinquishing control and serving their master/ mistress to the fullest extent.
You can be a dominate man, and not a dominate.
Kinky sex. Dirty sex. Raw honest, deep wild desired sex.
What distinguishes a traditionally dominant man, and being a dominant with a submissive is the responsibility behind caring for the submissive. The use of rewards and punishments to encourage your submissive, and the emphases on sex. Kinky, hot, wild, untamed, perverted sex.
Additionally, like stated at the beginning of this blog, a dominant can be man or woman with a man or woman submissive.
You could be the man of the house. A good man who provides, you lead and run the household, you know how to have good sex, you're protective etc. But if you were to tell your wife to "Come here right now and suck my cock" would she? Or better yet under the circumstances would she have too…..*Respectfully of course. IYKYK.
If your submissive has an incredible month and completes all the tasks that you have set: they go to all their hobbies; done their household chores; they have aroused, teased and pleasured you every night because of how hard you work; have you planned a reward for their good work? Did you tell them at the beginning of the month "If you hit all of your targets this month then you will receive a reward, if you slack off and succeed less then fifty percent then you will be punished". You can get creative, kinky, dirty, and mean. But remember taking things slow in the beginning is the best policy. Do you see that slight difference in the dynamic and how the brain of both people would operate differently. You're consciously working towards targets and goals because you know that there are rewards and punishments for both the dominant and submissive if you both succeed or fail. The kinky sex is also a huge element in this dynamic, you might be able to fuck your partner really well; but if you're partner opened up to you, could you put their head down the toilet while you fuck their arse; would you be capable of a gangbang if all were interested; how would you feel making a submissive vomit on your cock? How would you feel gagging on a cock to the point of vomit? look there are some really messed up kinks that people have, but kinky sex is thought about more than you think and can be a lot of fun! The kinky sex is probably the biggest part of what separates a household leader/ follower & a Dom, Sub relationship.
Now as a dominant you have the responsibility to make sure your submissive comes back to earth and understands that what you did was consensual adult fun. If you have just dunked your subs head in the toilet, plugged her arse hole with a butt plug, and pounded her while calling her horrible names; they need to know that it is all just part of the perverted kinks you share. As a submissive check in with your dominant as well, because while it is their responsibility to lead, they may have just broken a comfort zone and tried something completely new, they need to know that you do not judge them, that they are not a bad person and so forth. Eventually you will both understand each other and the check ins proceeding the days of the session may be as simple as, "Hey baby, are you feeling okay after our session the other night?" and replying appropriately. Should you try something new and hate it, communicate with your partner and think about why and what triggers made you not like it, it will help both you and your partner have a better understanding of yourselves.
But again, take it slow, really slow. Staying with the example above, if you have never been extremely kinky before maybe don't start with the toilet bowl.
One stigma that must be cleared is that all dominant & submissives have BDSM, kinky styled sex 100% of the time. That is simply not true! Vanilla sex and sensual sex are also thoroughly enjoyed by dominant & submissive couples. You'll probably find that you enjoy those sessions even more then previously because there will be habits that follow – like after care cuddles or discovering what your partner loves. You may have never known that your partner loves when you are on top in missionary nibbling their ear, but now that you communicate about your pleasures, you know what toppings your partner likes with their vanilla ice cream.
I believe there are 3 main things that separate a good relationship, and a HEALTHY dominant & submissive relationship. The power exchange, the use of rewards & punishments, and the wild kinky sex that you explore. And when executed well I believe those things create stronger, more fulfilling, more passionate relationships.
Rewards & Punishments
The use of rewards & punishments are to encourage certain behaviours, tasks to be completed, and sexual services to happen e.g. having your submissive man eat your pussy for five minutes every morning before leaving the bed may garner the reward of unlimited blow jobs for a day at the end of the month. Rewards and punishments need to be thought out and given appropriately. The rewards and punishments need to match the action. If you have asked your submissive to make their bed every day and they do it, do not go buy a $10,000 Chanel bag for them, give them a three-hour massage, or eat their pussy/ suck their dick for an hour. Conversely do not punish your submissive irresponsibly or out of emotion. If your submissive has worked overtime all month, has had external family commitments, and were genuinely sick for five days of the month and so was unable to complete a select few tasks then do not punish them for 'not completing all the tasks'. You may have to analyse the tasks and the circumstances and show your submissive how they could have and should have used their time better, educating them on which tasks they should have prioritised. Make a deal/ compromise, or even let them off the hook because you have a clear understanding and emotional intelligence for the situation.
You can learn a lot about your partner through the use of rewards and punishments. Do they respond better to the highlight of a reward, or the fear of punishment? What is their love language? Do they like delayed gratification for a bigger reward, or smaller more frequent rewards? Does your punishments act as an incentive for bad behaviour or will they do exactly as they are told? You may have masochist submissive so there will be some forms of physical and mental pain that they enjoy, how long until you realise which punishment is real punishment? Cheeky submissives will not let you off the hook.
If you're partners love language is quality time and you just keep buying them materialistic things, your rewards will start to bore and not feel like a reward. You keep buying them all these nice things but they were the best submissive they could be in order to receive eight hours of your quality time. We all live busy lives, that eight hours may have to be spread over a week; you may travel for work so that eight hours may have to be video calls. Communicate, negotiate and work it out. If your submissive is impatient, giving very small gifts as stepping rewards may keep them engaged in their tasks and goals long enough to complete them and receive the big reward they want.
As a submissive you will start to learn your dominates behaviour, and when you may need to reciprocate some love and rewards. Let's say your dom is under the pump in life, you're both on target and all is well but you can just see they need a little boost, you may need to work out how you can relieve that stress. It may be as simple as a blowjob or cunnilingus, or keeping all additional stress and distractions out of their mind, or evening going as far as booking something like their weekly sauna for them. You want to keep your dominate at peak condition so that they can provide for you.
Here are examples of rewards:
- A massage
- Sexual pleasure
- Body worship
- A kink they have wanted to do, or really enjoy. E.g. paying an escort for a threeway.
- Oral pleasure for an extended time
- Whatever sex they want
- An additional date that month
- One day of pampering
- One day of quality time
- Paying for their nails
- Paying for their haircut
- Writing a poem
- Giving them a day completely to their own devices
- Taking them to the movies
- Taking them to their favourite restaurant
- Taking them on a holiday
- Buying the shoes they have wanted for a couple months
Here are examples of punishments:
- Giving a blowjob or cunnilingus
- Making them attend your extended weekly family event.
- Writing lines
- A spanking or whipping
- Ice bath
- Being a slave
- Cock and ball torture
- Clitoral edging and denying an orgasm for a day
- No sex for a day or week. While you tease dress seductively.
- Made to wear latex or cross dress down to the supermarket
- Time out's
- Being put in a cage
- Receiving a golden shower
This is where communication is vital. At the beginning of the relationship if you as the submissive agree that ice baths or cold showers are an acceptable punishment for being lazy and a few other things. And you only complete 25% of your weekly tasks due to being lazy, and your dom tells you to get in the tub or to only have cold showers for the following week you are too do as you're told! Otherwise it defeats the whole purpose. Sure you might put up a little bit of a fight, "But this", "But that", "I don't want to" which your dom must handle appropriately; but ultimately if you have consented to the punishment and you are just saying you don't want to do the punishment because you don't feel like it, you are going to create more conflict then necessary. Bring some adult intelligence to the situation and understand you were lazy and your dom is punishing you for that.
As the dominant if your submissive complains and gives you 101 bullshit excuses as to why they were lazy: There was a new season of their favourite show on Netflix; Their friend called them everyday and gossiped for 2 hours every time; They were 'sick'; They were looking for the missing cat that has been missing in the suburb for the last 5 months; then you have a responsibility to call them out on this bullshit and enforce the order and punishment. Otherwise they will not see you as a leader and the slippery slope slowly begins to snowball.
Maybe you're trying to clean up the filthy shit, piss, fuck, cunt, arsehole type of course language that is coming out of your submissives mouth. You might agree that when your submissive gets to ten strikes that they must gag on your cock for a five-minute blowjob. Maybe it's time for a swirly while you plug their arsehole. This is where communication and consent must be emphasised again. Continually talking about what your hard limits are, what your boundaries are, what you consent too and what you don't. Both of you need to understand the difference between I really don't like that punishment – because it sucks. And if you do that this the relationship will start to dissipate. For example you as a submissive may say that if you are ever cucked the relationship is over, where another person may hate a cucking just enough that it is a great form of punishment. As a dominate if your submissive hates pain, and really hates pain, and has said that whipping or spanking is a hard no then obviously you do not use physical pain as the punishment, maybe they love watching Netflix though and so putting a ban on Netflix may be the perfect consequence for bad behaviour. You may need to change the password to prevent some sneaky indulgence.
As a dominant if your submissive does all that they have been asked, earning their reward, you best have the rewards. Otherwise they will become pissed off and lose trust in your word. We all drop the ball at times, life will sweep us away, we may forget a thing here or there, just don't make it a habit. And so if your submissive turns to you and says, "You're being a piece of shit! I've done all that you asked, I've been good, I've put in my work, now keep your end of the bargain" you best internalise all their words and rectify the situation. You said you would take them out on an amazing dinner last week, bring them home for the best tantric sex of their life and you forget the dinner and tantric sex; but have had normal sex and been out with friends for a couple drinks, your submissive has every right to be pissed off at you.
And lastly, if you are in a long-term relationship you will still need to have a date night or do activities that are not viewed as rewards, and are just time spent with each other. This is how you build a bond and grow together. Start small, start slow, communicate honestly and with intent to grow, improve and learn, and this rewards punishment system of a dominant submissive relationship can and will fulfill all involved.
Most modern-day relationships vs dom/ sub dynamic
From my own experiences there are plenty of examples where there is no leader and no one taking charge in the relationship or family. No clear rules, no clear roles and responsibilities, no growth, no learning about the other person, no leading, no directions. Just plain fuckery that makes me feel generally empathetic for a lot of couples today. I see both woman and men being let down by their counterpart.
The diversity that we have today is incredible. Women can earn more than there man and still have a good relationship. Gay people are legally allowed to marry. And at least here in the west you can usually marry and date someone of a different ethnicity without being judged too critically. But if no one takes responsibility; no one leads; there are no on-going discussions about the future or your boundaries; and no on-going discussions about the relationship; and no real date nights, the relationship will crumble. Relationships are work! Relationships are responsibility! Relationships are meant to bring joy not absorb every last morsal of energy you have left! Will it always be sunshine and rainbows, no! Will you want your partner next to you of every waking moment, probably not! Do you need your own hobbies and alone time, 100%. A lot of modern day relationships & marriage are boring; void of roles & responsibilities; low in real love; and are just a societal passage that says "You've made it!". You've made it to the most boring, sexless, intimacy deprived 40+ years of your life, WELL DONE! I don't know about you but a dinner date where you both sit on your phones scrolling through Instagram, Facebook, your emails, TikTok waiting for your food does not sound like a date. Sex where you ask for it every time sounds like crap. Sharing an intimate space for as little as five minutes after a good round of sex should be a bare minimum – yes of course there is exceptions, and I should not have to explain them. But unfortunately, this is the truth for so many couples and is why the divorce rates in the west are at an all time high, and why escorts will continue to have work.
When you enter into a good, healthy dominant submissive relationship all of that bullshit kind of has to go out the door. Because in order to have rewards & punishments; in order to have the kinkiest, dirtiest, perverted sex of your life; in order to exchange power; you need to start communicating more; you need to voice your frustrations and what you enjoy; you need to be seducing; you need to be adding some form of excitement; someone needs to lead; you need to respect each other. If you have a family or are in a long term/ life arrangement then you need to be planning, talking, and organising your futures – basic things that should be practiced in standard relationships. Being in a long-term relationship should mean that you are either in love or have some level of love for each other, meaning that both of you will want more than just perverted, kinky, sex. She may love being your dirty cock slut, but would probably love some cuddles and a movie once in a while. He may love the opportunity to have sex with you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week; but would probably love you just giving him a random neck massage. It's a responsibility thing; you're consciously thinking about how you can make your partner better, and how you can be a better partner so that you can have the sex you both desire, and receive the rewards that you worked for.
Does this example sound familiar to you?
Women: "What would you like for dinner?"
Man: "I don't know, what do you want"
W: "I'm asking you"
M: "I'm asking you"
W: "I'm asking you"
M: "I don't care whatever"
For five minutes.
Like fuck sake, if you have the masculine role in a standard household and you can't choose what to eat, you are going to annoy the living shit out of the feminine. It is okay to say "I don't care, just order whatever you want" or, "Just order whatever you think I want" but for the life of your relationship and the world, do not whine like a little bitch when food is put in front of you and 'it is not what you wanted', you said "order whatever", and you received whatever say thank you and shut the fuck up. If you cannot make choices around what you are going to eat then how can you be expected to make a decision. Choices are small, decisions impact your life.
Here are two healthy and simple examples of how ordering dinner should be done.
Sub: "What do you want for dinner?"
Dom: thinks for 30 seconds because he is allowed to think.
"Indian. Coconut rice, naan bread, and butter chicken please"
Sub: "I don't feel like Indian"
Dom: "You asked me what I want for dinner and that is what I want. Please make my order, and if you do not make a choice for yourself I will do it for you"
Sub: Orders the Indian and then also has Indian because Indian is delicious and she can't be bothered wasting time on the thought of food.
Example 2:
Sub: "What would you like for dinner"
Dom: "I don't care order me whatever"
Sub: Orders vegan lasagna and poke bowls
Food is delivered to the Dom
Dom: "Cheers baby girls, this looks delicious"
Again I would like to point out that this sort of communication should be the norm in a house hold but unfortunately is not. Should you as the submissive already know what you intend to order and eat say something like "I'm ordering xyz, what would you like?"
Monogamy is not dead
This will be a short paragraph. Monogamy is not dead. Evan in a dominant, submissive dynamic. If both of you enjoy threesomes, but either pay for an escort or only let people into the bedroom for special occasions and rewards; but do not share any level of deep romantic intimacy with the third, are you monogamous, I think yes. It's just your kink.
If you both like gangbangs and reverse gangbangs and have one a few times a year, are you still monogamous if all contact to patrons stays within the bedroom only? I think yes. It's just your kink.
If anyone exterior to your monogamous relationship tries to breach and disrupt the relationship it is the responsibility of the partners to talk about it and act accordingly. Within a dominant submissive dynamic the dominant obviously assumes leadership and handles the problem appropriately. Should either partner breach this boundary then it is obviously cheating.
Obviously any form of swinging is polyamorous. Though if you and your partner travel to a swinging hotel/ club a few times a year for some negotiated fun then I could reason with you that you are monogamous providing all fun and contact stays at the hotel and neither of you see anyone outside of your kinky holiday. But if sexting, wife & husband swaps, private meet ups with people outside your marriage/ intimate bond are a part of your relationship than you are polyamorous.
I am not judging polyamory, swingers or people in open relationships. Just giving my insight into the hot debate that monogamy is dead, when it is not. People just need to have the conversations, sexual education, respect, self-awareness, and discipline.
Okay this all sounds hot, fun, kinky, wild, interesting. But I/ we have kids?
Great point! Because depending on their age bracket, your children should not think that shoving someone's head down a toilet is generally a good thing to do, or that calling someone a whore is acceptable, or letting mum punch dad across the jaw is okay. How do you explain why dad didn't have a black eye yesterday but woke up with a golf ball sized bruise this morning….. Parents have a very important role when it comes to teaching their children about sex, what sex is, and what it can be, and unfortunately in the western world not every parent has the knowledge, tools and skills to teach & talk to their children about what sex is and can be. So the idea of bringing this lifestyle into the house could be daunting and taboo. But you're an adult and deserve to still experience life as an adult. This entire paragraph is 100% vicarious because I do not have children of my own yet, though I look forward to that challenge one day because I know that both my wives and I will still want sex when we have kids. I understand that women have hormonal changes during and post pregnancy, their perspective changes; that just means I too would have to adjust. I might have to work smarter and harder, to free up time; I have to be more considerate to their bodies & emotions – maybe I just make out with them for two minutes with no intention of sex; I understand that after they give birth their pussies are going to be out of order for a little while, and that I will have to pleasure their mind & body in the number of other ways there is to pleasure a body. Maybe this is just me, maybe I am completely wrong, maybe I have no clue what I am talking about, time will tell. Something that I have continually conferred with different parents and pondered for myself is that fact that adults who are parents need the time & space to be adults. As a parent you live for your kids, you love your kids unconditionally, you put them above yourself, which can lead to the loss of self and your relationship. Obviously with the cost of a baby sitter rising, friends and family not wanting to help, and predators being the closest people to you; it can be hard to plan alone time, date nights, to have spontaneous kinky sex. I have an empathetic view point, and look forward to those challenges should that day arrive.
If you are a couple with kids and want to explore this nuisance world of being a dominant and submissive then this is where I believe you can strengthen your bond even more as a couple. Using the swearing example previously mentioned, maybe the ten strikes for swearing are not disciplined straight away, and you as the dom just give that look to your sub that says you are in trouble later, and before bed your sub is gaging on your cock for five minutes. There doesn't always need to be sex that follows either, though there is a higher probability that it could, your sub might thoroughly enjoy the fact that you remembered to punish them and reward you by continuing the pleasure.
If things are loud and there are curious ears that interrogate you in the morning then think of what an appropriate thing would be to say. You're the parent not me, work out what you need to say to the age appropriate child. If you want to indulge in adult fun, then use the thing between your two ears and be an adult. Maybe the parrots take the conversation to school, again be a parent, be an adult and work it out. You are an adult, you deserve to be an adult that has fun, and you deserve to have to sex with the one(s) you love. If you can work out how to do everything else in your life, I'm sure you can work out how to integrate sex into your life. If your tribulation in life is working out how to have sex and navigate the raising of a sexually healthy child you're doing alright. Find a good sexologist, find other parents that are also in a similar dynamic to you, do the research (a great sexual psychologist that I will link below is Esther Perel, her book mating in captivity is a phenomenal place to start for information on this paragraphs subject – the hardship of connection, intimacy and mating as you progress through different stages of a relationship).
Obviously if you are a single parent you have a few tribulations to face, and there are lot of variables account for with that scenario. If you have got yourself this far you can and will work out something for yourself.
My experience
Unfortunately the one and only experience that I have had with a dominant submissive relationship failed. I was the dominant. And it is because of this failure that I understand what is required within the dynamic, the importance of taking things slow, the importance of open and honest communication, the importance of adequate rewards & punishments, the need to have resources like time, money, and focus. Through this experience of a long-term relationship failing, and a dominant submissive relationship also failing I see no point in dating for short term gain. I would only enter a short-term relationship if it was a dominant submissive relationship, because it at least gives some form of direction and clarity. If I was in a dominant, submissive relationship with someone I would get off on seeing them grow and become better, such is the saying always return something how you found it or in better condition.
To me the most basic, fundamental dominant & submissive relationship has core systems that make a great 'standard' relationship. Clarity, direction, order, understanding, open judgement free communication. As I have matured these elements of a relationship have appealed a lot more to me then hook up culture. Because at the time of writing this I am time short and not bringing in $250,000 a year, being a dominant is not on the table. And for me to submit to someone I would have to know that I could trust them as I have businesses to run, career aspirations, and would be quite picky with who gets to reward & punish me. Though maybe exploring the kink world/ community more next year is something I will look into, and maybe find myself a part time submissive.
Conclusion
This dynamic, this lifestyle is not for everyone. Just as not everyone likes apples, not everyone eats steak, just as some people like soccer, and some people like basketball. And just because you have the label Dominant & Submissive does not mean you can not explore other areas of sexuality like tantra, or that you can't enjoy some good quality missionary vanilla sex, like I previously stated you would probably learn to love vanilla sex on a deeper level, and ignite an extremely high level of passion during a tantra experience.
When you have a HEALTHY dominant and submissive relationship you can have a beautiful, fulfilling life emotionally, sexually, spiritually, and physically. This blog has obviously been tailored to nuisance people of BDSM and kink. We live in a world today that is void of wanting responsibility; void of respect; void of genuine love; void of connection; void of communication. Adversely people are over having responsibility; over fake love; over fake connections filled with selfish intent; over boring, banal, sexless relationships. There is a snake eating itself in society and becoming sexual conscious and aware is one step closer to stopping this cannibalistic act. When you enter a dominant & submissive relationship you are forced to become sexually conscious. Being sexually conscious is understanding that sex is the reason you are alive and reading this blog and the reason I am alive writing this; being sexual conscious is understanding that sex is so much more than just a reproduction method, it is fun, it can bond people in a way that is indescribable, it can be used to heal, and it can be naughty and dirty; being sexually conscious is being aware of your own sexual desires and fantasies owning them, and deciding if you want to bring those fantasies into reality through a role play or arranged agreement; being sexually conscious can help you distinguish right from wrong; being sexually conscious is maturing and learning what adult fun is. Being sexually conscious is not exposing yourself to the world and expecting someone not to judge or stare at you. Being sexually conscious is not an agenda to push everyone to be the same. Being sexually conscious is not liberation to be free and do whatever you want with no repercussions. Being sexually conscious is not judging people because of who they are dating. Being sexually conscious is an adopted mindset. Being sexually conscious is being educated and not opinionated. Being sexually conscious is understanding that we as adults shape, mould and subconsciously educate the next generation on what it means to be an adult, what sex is and what is acceptable within sex. Being sexually conscious is the way forward.
And I believe being in a HEALTHY dominant submissive relationship forces you to educate yourself on sex, intimacy, pleasure, human nature, yourself & your partner(s).
I hope this blog has been insightful to any BDSM new comers. Should you be an experienced dominant or submissive who would like to leave their own experiences, notes, points of view, advise or links to further research please do so in the comments.
If you would like to get in contact surrounding anything within this blog please email [email protected]
Warm regards,
L. Soule.
Further research
Texas Dom - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dz5Kwe6ZbuE
Depraved ASMR - https://www.youtube.com/@DepravedASMR
Esther Perel - https://www.youtube.com/@estherperel
https://www.instagram.com/estherperelofficial/
Read the book 'Mating in captivity'
